Football is a great game but it’s full of worthless pieces of shit who fall over to gain an advantage or can’t handle that someone is better than them so take their ankles instead of the ball. It’s also got a strong following of people who like to start fights cos my teams better than your team. Obviously there are exceptions but its the exception to the rule that proves the point.
Teenagers with bad posture and that I’m-too-fucking-lazy-and-tired-to-keep-my-jaw-closed expression and the semi-wounded look in their eyes that says, “I’m really, really suffering by standing in this queue/ sitting on this park bench / talking utter bollocks with my similarly retarded fucking friends at the next pub table to you and, if there were any justice in this cruel universe I would be reclining on a bed of silk being fed spliffs and cherries by the wank fantasy girl of my choice in just recognition of my as-yet undiscovered genius.” Christ, was I like that too? Kill me now.
Websites for train ticket booking that you need a degree in robotics to navigate. Not to mention superhuman patience and something to stop your teeth grinding into a paste in frustration.
Those stupid bloody seals on plastic milk bottles with a tab the size of an atom which is supposed to be large enough to grab but is utterly useless, like some spasticky plasticky appendix of shite. Nobody uses them, everybody just stabs the thing out with a knife. Why do they bother putting the sodding things on if they can’t be bothered to make them work? Is it some plan by the milk marketing board to make us switch to orange juice or something?
People wearing their baseball caps or any other peaked headwear backwards. You all look like twats, you know. Ditto anyone who still thinks it’s in any way cool to wear their jeans with the arse halfway down their legs and their stripey underwear halfway up their back. It just looks like you’ve borrowed your little brother’s pants and then shat yourself. If you insist on dressing in such a depressingly arseholey manner please do it on a different landmass from me, preferably inside an active volcano.
People who put their feet up on the seats on the tube. One day I will send you my dry cleaning bill. Attached to the arrow which I will fire into your inconsiderate heads.
Crap coffee in expensive coffee shops. We can put man on the moon so how hard can it be to put some decent coffee into the machine and produce something drinkable for which you haven’t had to wait fifteen fucking minutes whilst the barristas discuss their boyfriend problems.
The arseholes who decided to make Curly Wurly bars smaller when we weren’t looking. They were about a yard long when I was a nipper. Thanks for messing with my childhood memories, you joyless chisellers.
Shoelaces that won’t stay tied. What’s all that about? Why not give me shoes with laces that aren’t covered in teflon or whatever crap you’ve made them with to make sure that each end repels the other with the force of massive opposing electromagnets? Is this some sort of feeble joke by the footwear industry?
Car alarms going off not because somebody is attempting to steal the vehicle but because it’s a bit cold. Like the white van which has been parked outside my window all day, going off every five bloody minutes with all the soul-stealing regularity of Chinese water torture. The owners of these alarms should have them removed and inserted, unlubricated, up their sorry arses.
Old people who reek so strongly of five-week old piss that they can clear a supermarket in the time it takes them to stagger around a couple of aisles. If you can’t remember changing your underwear it’s time to have a wash. If you can’t work that out for yourself any more you’ll have to go into a home. I said, YOU’LL HAVE TO GO INTO A HOME, DEAR.
The people who eat at crap high-street fried chicken outlets who seem to consider it their sworn civic duty to spread amounts of grease evenly across the pavement, bus stops and, indeed buses in at least equal proportions the the quantity they are ramming down their piggy necks. Magnify the annoyance of this shitty behaviour by a few thousand percent for people who eat hot junk food on public transport and even more if they ditch the bones and boxes on the floor as they eat. If you had any decency you’d have your inevitable coronary right now. Preferably right in front of me so I can laugh heartily before setting fire to you, just to demonstrate that I care about you so little I can’t be bothered to piss on you to put out the flames.
