Carefully edited version but the following is sitting on my now former boss’s desk awaiting his arrival tomorrow morning. Somehow I fear it lacks from ommiting the phrase “You steaming great cunt” at least 15 times.
Dear Pxxxr
I am writing to inform you of my intention to resign my role as IT Manager with immediate effect. Although I am grateful for the opportunity and support that has been offered to me over the last six and a half years, I have made this decision based on several component factors. Primarily financial concerns over the company’s lack of profitability have caused me to consider the possible personal ramifications should the trend continue, but I also feel that I have developed as far as I can within the confines of the firm and that my presence is no longer of benefit to either party. As well as this my nearest colleague has a faint smell of cheese to him leading me to believe he may be a blackshirt facist and I am not prepared to work within close confines to somebody who could be the next Robert Mugabe.
I have chosen to take this action with immediate effect for financial clarity. With my latest salary being received I believe it best to leave before breaking into the arguable territory of percentages of wage owed come the end of July, and at this point I look forward to reclining on my posterior for extended periods of time, forgetting how to shower, and getting into some truly hardcore Richard and Judy, lapping up the July sunshine whilst my now former colleagues nose the grindstone from their dank corners of the abyss we have called our beloved office for all these years.
I will of course ensure that all relevant stock, paperwork and regular theft of office supplies will be up to date and without compromise before I leave, and perform my final maintenance tasks on the server before it grows into SKYNET and destroys humanity, and I will return briefly at some point in the coming week to collect photographs, tutorial books, dismembered body parts and all other personal effects from the office, and once more in the dead of night with intention to rob the place blind.
I would like to take this opportunity to wish a prosperous and successful future to the company, all those employed by it, all those who sail in her and that strange beggar who occasionally sits on the wall by the front door. Who knows, perhaps in a few weeks time I will return as his replacement!
I would also on a more personal note request that you pass on a final message of farewell to employees, stating simply “Fuck you, Fuck you , Fuck you, YOU’RE cool (please point to Txxxx Dxxxxx at this moment) but the rest of you have been like a slow rutting cancer in the very voids of my bowels which I now subject to the chemotherapy of jumping ship before this firm goes into the ground like a speeding dart. See you at the Christmas Party!!!”
Warmest wishes, hugs and kisses and general fuzzy-wuzzyness.
Allah go with you
